Ack-nor-ledge.

I was offered an acting role.

At a short film. That requires me to cry. Crying; I'm a cry baby. I always tell people I'm such a strong-willed person. I won't ever cry in front of people. Anyways, who will? I turned that role down. Could have earned me some extra cash... Thinking money's all I'll ever know. Astonishingly, I turned it down.

I never cry in front of my sister. I only did on 2 occasions. Never will again. I don't know whether you feel the same way as I do. It's a task to be the oldest sibling. Standing up for your brother/sister, advising what to and what NOT to do. Heart-to-heart talks. And the most important of all. To be strong for your siblings. I want nothing more but give my unconditional love and knowledge to my sister. But what do I know about love and knowledge? I'm only 18.

I feel numb. I don't know what to do. Day in, day out. Work. Eat. Piss. Shit. Sleep. Smoke. Work Eat. Piss. Shit. Smoke. Sleep.

It's a never ending cycle, that honestly I'm getting sick of. I've been doing this for 2 months now. I wonder what will happen if this happens any longer. Certain people have been able to take this kind of.... shit, for years. A year or 2. I don't wanna do this any longer. I don't like it. I've been taking shit all my life. I'm saying it now. I wanna write. Travel the world. See places. Plant my red sneaker prints all over the world. Just 2 weeks ago, I almost bought myself a one way ticket to Philippines. I really almost did. But leaving my loved ones behind will be very selfish of me.

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I got a nuisance customer today. Insisting a refund for one of the top up cards. He looked like a drug addict. If my manager wasn't there. I would have lost 28 bucks straight from my account. Thank God for little miracles.

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I met this girl, her name is Su Er, through work. She's a very nice and pleasant girl. I met her boyfriend, too. His name is Ivan. Handsome, tall and good-looking. When I glanced at him the very first time, I literally got an electric shock through my fingers, a sensation that I have never felt before. (not bullshitting.) I have actually seen him before. I failed to tell him this.

I DREAMT OF HIM BEFORE! I never told him that though, only indirectly. I said: "Maybe we dreamt of each other before?" I hope I don't ever see him again. Su Er seemed slightly jealous. I guess it's only natural for a girl to feel that way. No offence. He too, said the same thing. A familiar face, I am. I guess it's just me but he had that certain look whenever he was talking to me and it was so fucking obvious (even though she never said a word) that Su was not liking it... at all.

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My expenditure for one week is 6o bucks. I blew all my money away on cigarettes and junk stuff. I've got a measly $9.50. I have no idea how the hell I'm going to survive on that. My sister said: "Survive on a dollar a day." I don't know the fuck how!

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I cannot stop thinking about Ivan. I wish I'll never see him again. He was mine in my dream. Not Su Er's.