Miss Lulu.

Muffy the "Mafia".

I've always been very attatched to any animal you put my arms into. Ugly dog, feisty cat, fat rabbit, I loved every single on of them. A connection with this animals, that I feel for.


Before I moved to Bedok, I was living @ Tampines. And every morning, I would secretly go out of my house corridor just to visit this kitten that happens to come by occasinally. My daddy was always either busy at work or not be bothered to care what I do at times. I named her Lulu, because Lulu was a calico. Orange, black and white spots. So beautiful in her own way. I suspected she was deaf. Her left eye was greyish-blue (just like my Kitty Paw that I have now. ) and her right was electric blue.


She liked licking my fingers as a form of greeting whenever we saw each other. (I nuzzled her ears back.) We'd hide at the staircase and sit there for 2o mins before the maid comes calling me. She would fuss me to go bathe claiming it was a "beary dirty kat". Of course, I refused.


I would hint to Daddy sometimes about a kitten but he didn't seem happy about it due to chronic asthama at that time. On mornings that I wake up to find that Lulu wasn't there, I would actually feel extremely sad. This happened when I was 13. Lulu had this habit of eating silverfish (we owned Louhans at the time, it was a in thing back then) where she would chew it and spit it back out and eat it again. HAHA!


After 3 months of seeing Miss Lulu, she stopped coming back. I watched Miss Lulu grow to a beautiful cat. Very graceful in fact. Not a very graceful tail she had, but it was jsut purr-fect in my eyes. She reminds me alot like my Kitty Paw. Miss Lulu's very picky with food as she grew up. I had a hard time finding her favourite food. Miss Lulu stopped visiting me. I have no idea why. Did she die? Did a lucky family pick Miss Lulu up? I don't really know. But I was frustrated that I didn't bring Lulu in.


On my 14th birthday, Daddy gave me Kitty Paw and I was angry. Happy but angry. That I could not take Lulu in. This cute writhing, critter. In my hands. So small and fragile. Just like Lulu used to be. But she's a big girl now.


I had a adopted kitten in my hands. I love Kitty Paw. But I love Miss Lulu too.


I miss you, Lulu.

Love isn't Blind. Love is...

Selfish.

Why? Take an egoistic man. The egoist is not a man incapable of love; he is the only man capable of it. To say "I love you", he must learn how to say "I" first.

So maybe, that's what's wrong with me. I don't really know anymore. Like, it's so complicated, I can't deal with it. Why does it take so little to make someone so happy in a big way? They say the little things count. What about the bigger things that someone does for you? Do you shove it aside? Or regard it, silently?

I was never cut out for this love thing. God's honest truth, I don't think I ever really loved a guy/girl in a relationship before. Maybe it was just all... Lust. Lust for love. In my own little world. Sometimes, I find it diffcult to bring myself to say "I love you." Maybe you could tell me why, and enlighten me for a bit?

The best love is Sacrifical Love. Giving love, to those who can't, or won't, love someone back. I've always been so stubborn, especially with guys. 4 guys, wooing me at the same time. And I get really mean. But 1 stood out from the rest. But he seems to be like the other Robots.

I wish I could give love, selflessly.
I wish I could stop lusting, and start loving.

And coming to think of it, I don't think Love is selfish at all. I am.
I need help.

Update I Say.

So guess what guys? I went to apply for the DAE exercise @ Republic Polytechnic. If you didn't know that already, guess you're not my friend after all. (:

I got rejected. As always! So, when I told Father I got rejected (is he going to punch my teeth in!?) he gave me a dumb look.

"Appeal?"
"Can, but I doubt that they'll..."
"Erika Jane Rajendiran, I've seen what you can do. If you can write killer essays like what you used to do, you can definitely write a killer appeal."
"Err, I don't know..."
"Write about your financial status, they might take you in."
"But..."
"And write about the contributions you've done for the school, scriptwriting and writing in your free time."
"Usually they just ignore appeals like that, I don't.."
"Erika, I have faith in you. Just do it."

That being said, my Father was a man who spoke little words. Very little.

BIG thanks to Dad, Abby, Adriel, Lyrael, Sal & Kasmir. (: