New Beginning.

Whole new beginning, whole new year.

I kicked start off the new year with a stupid tiff with my step-mom.
What a way to start the new year.

For this year I'd like to.
1. Stop smoking.
2. Try to be more nicer.
3. Not to be so sensitive.
4. More giving.
5. Someone to love.

Hopefully, this year goes smooth for me, no matter what.
(sorry to disappoint, I have little to say for now.)

Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone!
This year's christmas is like no other.

We had a small little gathering of ours. Had a full Eurasian spread dinner. (Gotten sick of turkey, ham and the likes!)

If my bff Khairiyah could eat pork, I WOULD SO BRING HER, :<

So, think Curry Devil (with bacon, chicken, ham and white sausages!), Chap Chye, Corn Beef Cutlet, Smoore (its a beef gravy thing.) and Vindaloo and the sambal fish thing my dad's best friend lovessss to eat.

It was nice coming together again.

Well done.

Monogamy.

I broke up with a boyfriend of mine.
I'm seeing 3 guys and a girl... now.

Different persona with every different one of them. If I'm in a good mood, i'd be very very chatty but taking notes of every single thing around me; acting really blur. Bad mood, I'll be very quiet, cursing under my breathe. Answering with either a yes or no.

I hope you'll be able to read me. I can be very predictable. But read me with caution. Things tend to take a toll in a surprising way. Expect the impossible, I tell myselg.

King Con!!

Alright, so I'll be starring in a short film, "King Con!!" where I'll have to dress as a Gothic Lolita.

I'm super psyched because I'll get to wear a pretty dress/corset and look gothic and Victorian-ish!

Ok, I better stop, :P

GOTHIC LOLITA HERE I COME!

Do you feel it? The Pain from love?

How do you know you love me?

You'd opened your life and embraced me with your heart, weaved tiny threads out of our dreams and made it a cloth of colours, idealistic pictures and imaginative characters.

Do you feel the love?

Do you feel your heart leap everytime the phone rings, and how its sinks when the caller is not who you're expecting? Do you feel my heart pounding, sending vibrations from over the other line when you said you love me... each and every time, until I get so dizzy from the blood rushing up to my brain that all i could utter was an idiotic monosyllable 'uh'? Do you feel the tingles down my spine, the warm sensation spreading from my stomach like somebody had fed me a bowl of hot soup in the middle of winter whenever I hear you laugh?

Now, do you feel the pain?

When you fall off your bicycle, the shock of it when you first fall prevents the pain from registering in your brain... not yet. You watch as the droplets of blood grow bigger, congregate and trickles out from the wound.
pain?

Not yet.

You try to pick yourself up.... stand up you moron! Hoping nobody saw your far-from-graceful dip into the bushes as you try to shake twigs and leaves from your hair.
in a flash, just when you're about to be on your two feet, the pain registers in full force.

That is when you crumble. That is when you feel Pain.

But this is not the Pain i'm feeling right now.

When I heard the news from you, it didn't register. The words swirled around in my head like whiskey and ice swishing in a ball glass. The exasperation of not being able to even protest choked the words coming out in my throat. I had to gasp for air as everything became a blur. The voices sounded like alien language, the people around me seemed to float around aimlessly and the lights... where're the lights??

It didn't register until 2 days later. As i sit here, the words come into place, the wonderful picture which had been in my mind is smashed into smithereens. I am suddenly overwhelmed by the feeling of helplesness as Pain seeps into my brain, slowly but surely. An invisible hand reaches for my heart, tears it out and squeezes the life out of it, as I watch, maimed.

But I know my heart will not die. Pain has other plans for it. It has plans for each and every kind of hurt we encounter. The damage Pain thinks exceptionally pleasurable to inflict, which requires a more scheming and predominant execution plan, is from love. It lets you sit through an endless replay of those happier times, It lets you recall words you think you have forgotten, words which didn't seem to mean much until now when Pain has skilfully edited and elucidate the significance of those plain, simple words. But Pain will not kill my heart... not yet. It has tasted my tears, smelled my fears, heard my begs for It to stop and It is now holding on to my heart, prodding, playing, stabbing... laughing. When Pain is done with my heart, It will return me with one piece missing, depending on how large a souvenir It wants to keep.

Do you feel this pain? The Pain from love.

Mind Games.

Too innocent, to brag.
Too greedy, to let homeless in.

Maybe if we were to show some kindness, a little bit more compassion, the world wouldn't be such a bad and mean place to live in. ):

Fingernail Broke.

Fingernail broke while scratching Mr Meow.

Happyness.

Cuddling in progress, ;)

You Look Like Me on a Sunday Morning.

These past few days, I wake up feeling drugged. Very, heavily drugged.
Today I woke up singing!

Singing No Doubts Sunday Morning.

I'm going to see you tmr, Jay! Meow.

Still feeling drugged. (sick. medicines.)

I Don't Know The Meaning of Happy.

I can say that I am happy, but it'll seem slightly stupid when I say I am because I don't know what it means to be happy anymore. Yes, I do get the satisfaction out of something. But being happy?

I don't know. I can't honestly use the term until I have a deeper understanding of it's meaning.

You scratch my back, I scratch yours. Satisfaction.
Kid bakes a cake for mom on her birthday. Estatic?
Couple gets married. Love?

My take on emotions now are blurred. I don't find it hard to tell from what's right & wrong.

Just this emotions. So complicated.
Which is why I am "happy" to be ignorant about these things going on around me and what I don't know about.

See how easy it is for me to use the emotion so easily? Just slips from your mouth. Such emotions are used so easily nowadays without really putting much thought into how you're really feeling.

It's nice to feel simple-minded once in awhile. I guess I should stop worrying and start thinking more like a simpleton. Or a free spirited person. Then maybe I'll stop worrying and analyzing so much.

None.

What I miss is having some intimate friend nearby to tell it all to; someone who might hold a mirror up to my poor judgement and most unforgivable embarassments and help me call them what they are, show me how I would go forward as myself.

I miss my mother.