Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone!
This year's christmas is like no other.

We had a small little gathering of ours. Had a full Eurasian spread dinner. (Gotten sick of turkey, ham and the likes!)

If my bff Khairiyah could eat pork, I WOULD SO BRING HER, :<

So, think Curry Devil (with bacon, chicken, ham and white sausages!), Chap Chye, Corn Beef Cutlet, Smoore (its a beef gravy thing.) and Vindaloo and the sambal fish thing my dad's best friend lovessss to eat.

It was nice coming together again.

Well done.

Monogamy.

I broke up with a boyfriend of mine.
I'm seeing 3 guys and a girl... now.

Different persona with every different one of them. If I'm in a good mood, i'd be very very chatty but taking notes of every single thing around me; acting really blur. Bad mood, I'll be very quiet, cursing under my breathe. Answering with either a yes or no.

I hope you'll be able to read me. I can be very predictable. But read me with caution. Things tend to take a toll in a surprising way. Expect the impossible, I tell myselg.

King Con!!

Alright, so I'll be starring in a short film, "King Con!!" where I'll have to dress as a Gothic Lolita.

I'm super psyched because I'll get to wear a pretty dress/corset and look gothic and Victorian-ish!

Ok, I better stop, :P

GOTHIC LOLITA HERE I COME!

Do you feel it? The Pain from love?

How do you know you love me?

You'd opened your life and embraced me with your heart, weaved tiny threads out of our dreams and made it a cloth of colours, idealistic pictures and imaginative characters.

Do you feel the love?

Do you feel your heart leap everytime the phone rings, and how its sinks when the caller is not who you're expecting? Do you feel my heart pounding, sending vibrations from over the other line when you said you love me... each and every time, until I get so dizzy from the blood rushing up to my brain that all i could utter was an idiotic monosyllable 'uh'? Do you feel the tingles down my spine, the warm sensation spreading from my stomach like somebody had fed me a bowl of hot soup in the middle of winter whenever I hear you laugh?

Now, do you feel the pain?

When you fall off your bicycle, the shock of it when you first fall prevents the pain from registering in your brain... not yet. You watch as the droplets of blood grow bigger, congregate and trickles out from the wound.
pain?

Not yet.

You try to pick yourself up.... stand up you moron! Hoping nobody saw your far-from-graceful dip into the bushes as you try to shake twigs and leaves from your hair.
in a flash, just when you're about to be on your two feet, the pain registers in full force.

That is when you crumble. That is when you feel Pain.

But this is not the Pain i'm feeling right now.

When I heard the news from you, it didn't register. The words swirled around in my head like whiskey and ice swishing in a ball glass. The exasperation of not being able to even protest choked the words coming out in my throat. I had to gasp for air as everything became a blur. The voices sounded like alien language, the people around me seemed to float around aimlessly and the lights... where're the lights??

It didn't register until 2 days later. As i sit here, the words come into place, the wonderful picture which had been in my mind is smashed into smithereens. I am suddenly overwhelmed by the feeling of helplesness as Pain seeps into my brain, slowly but surely. An invisible hand reaches for my heart, tears it out and squeezes the life out of it, as I watch, maimed.

But I know my heart will not die. Pain has other plans for it. It has plans for each and every kind of hurt we encounter. The damage Pain thinks exceptionally pleasurable to inflict, which requires a more scheming and predominant execution plan, is from love. It lets you sit through an endless replay of those happier times, It lets you recall words you think you have forgotten, words which didn't seem to mean much until now when Pain has skilfully edited and elucidate the significance of those plain, simple words. But Pain will not kill my heart... not yet. It has tasted my tears, smelled my fears, heard my begs for It to stop and It is now holding on to my heart, prodding, playing, stabbing... laughing. When Pain is done with my heart, It will return me with one piece missing, depending on how large a souvenir It wants to keep.

Do you feel this pain? The Pain from love.

Mind Games.

Too innocent, to brag.
Too greedy, to let homeless in.

Maybe if we were to show some kindness, a little bit more compassion, the world wouldn't be such a bad and mean place to live in. ):

Fingernail Broke.

Fingernail broke while scratching Mr Meow.

Happyness.

Cuddling in progress, ;)

You Look Like Me on a Sunday Morning.

These past few days, I wake up feeling drugged. Very, heavily drugged.
Today I woke up singing!

Singing No Doubts Sunday Morning.

I'm going to see you tmr, Jay! Meow.

Still feeling drugged. (sick. medicines.)

I Don't Know The Meaning of Happy.

I can say that I am happy, but it'll seem slightly stupid when I say I am because I don't know what it means to be happy anymore. Yes, I do get the satisfaction out of something. But being happy?

I don't know. I can't honestly use the term until I have a deeper understanding of it's meaning.

You scratch my back, I scratch yours. Satisfaction.
Kid bakes a cake for mom on her birthday. Estatic?
Couple gets married. Love?

My take on emotions now are blurred. I don't find it hard to tell from what's right & wrong.

Just this emotions. So complicated.
Which is why I am "happy" to be ignorant about these things going on around me and what I don't know about.

See how easy it is for me to use the emotion so easily? Just slips from your mouth. Such emotions are used so easily nowadays without really putting much thought into how you're really feeling.

It's nice to feel simple-minded once in awhile. I guess I should stop worrying and start thinking more like a simpleton. Or a free spirited person. Then maybe I'll stop worrying and analyzing so much.

None.

What I miss is having some intimate friend nearby to tell it all to; someone who might hold a mirror up to my poor judgement and most unforgivable embarassments and help me call them what they are, show me how I would go forward as myself.

I miss my mother.

I'm Vomitting All My Thoughts Out Now.

1. Beauty Only Skin Deep?

After my final day of work last Sunday, I decided to walk a couple of bus stops away from my usual bus stop. Took me a good thirty mintues to walk 4 bus stops away. Tucking my hair behind my ears and lighting up a cigarrette, I saw a Caucasian man carrying her redhead daughter (assuming here.) and an Punjabi lady carrying a pink faced baby girl. I stumbled for a bit as the fire burnt my skin. Why is it that more and more people are going for people out of their race?

Not trying to state the interracial relationships and marriages are wrong but... is it really possible? I, myself, cannot believe my parents got married and made people like me, Erika, as well as my sister, Chelsea.

I think I'm experiencing one of those days where I'm just throughly confused about the concept of love-color-religion. It totally doesn't fit well, never hand in hand. Conflicts, fights, disagreements, but it still happens. Man, the power of Love, fucking amazing.

2. Guilt.

I have a best friend. His name is E. And I did something very wrong. To me, it's almost like incest. I made a sworn promise; a pinky promise to never tell anyone. And I can't. I'm his little skeleton closet. Your own personal skeleton closet. It gives me a slight bit of joy knowing a get to carry this little burden of yours... our little burden.

3. Tattoo.

I am contemplating of getting a tattoo of a mutant kitten. Either that or a hieroglyphics cat. All golden and black. What do you think? Daddy would not be too happy about it.

4. Smoking.

I confessed to my mom that I picked up smoking, due to stress. That, could be one of the reasons. But another one of the reasons is because I enjoy it... immensely. Something that would kill me. Sorry, but this morning I could not help laugh to myself how pathetic I was as I stepped out of the house at 7 in the morning when everyone was out of work and I was smoking at the staircase just nearby my house corridoor. The things I restort to just for my sinful pleasures. Who knows what else I might do to fulfill my lust for other pleasures?

5. My very bad memories that keeps haunting me.

I miss Andre Tay. I miss you. Can you hear me? I miss you! Please come back. Come back to me! I've never stopped loving you. I'm dating someone who has the same name as you. I cannot bear to utter your without you flooding into my thoughts and not make me tear. You still have and effect on me. Where are you now? Because of you, I will not talk to the current Andre I am dating. Look what you've done.