Choose your path.

I am looming over like a shadow, almost non-existent.
To want to touch you but I cannot because you are the Untouchable.
I feel the need to kill, the need strangle, the need to smell... blood.

Can I knock you out dizzy and feel the blood rush to your heart?
Feeling the fear grip you, for you know your time has come?
Perhaps, to choke some sense into you?
And you suddenly panic, thinking why you didn't choose the road to Redemption.

To see the blood drip, drop by drop.
Trickling slowly from the sides of your wrists and mouth.
I would really really... love that.

And you cry, why?
"Why do you do this, my dear daughter?"

"This is to force you to change and to expose you, for what you are, Daddy. Because all you ever were and ever will be, is a Liar."

And you die, slowly with Fear in your eyes, wishing you chose the better path, the righteous path.

Miss Lulu.

Muffy the "Mafia".

I've always been very attatched to any animal you put my arms into. Ugly dog, feisty cat, fat rabbit, I loved every single on of them. A connection with this animals, that I feel for.


Before I moved to Bedok, I was living @ Tampines. And every morning, I would secretly go out of my house corridor just to visit this kitten that happens to come by occasinally. My daddy was always either busy at work or not be bothered to care what I do at times. I named her Lulu, because Lulu was a calico. Orange, black and white spots. So beautiful in her own way. I suspected she was deaf. Her left eye was greyish-blue (just like my Kitty Paw that I have now. ) and her right was electric blue.


She liked licking my fingers as a form of greeting whenever we saw each other. (I nuzzled her ears back.) We'd hide at the staircase and sit there for 2o mins before the maid comes calling me. She would fuss me to go bathe claiming it was a "beary dirty kat". Of course, I refused.


I would hint to Daddy sometimes about a kitten but he didn't seem happy about it due to chronic asthama at that time. On mornings that I wake up to find that Lulu wasn't there, I would actually feel extremely sad. This happened when I was 13. Lulu had this habit of eating silverfish (we owned Louhans at the time, it was a in thing back then) where she would chew it and spit it back out and eat it again. HAHA!


After 3 months of seeing Miss Lulu, she stopped coming back. I watched Miss Lulu grow to a beautiful cat. Very graceful in fact. Not a very graceful tail she had, but it was jsut purr-fect in my eyes. She reminds me alot like my Kitty Paw. Miss Lulu's very picky with food as she grew up. I had a hard time finding her favourite food. Miss Lulu stopped visiting me. I have no idea why. Did she die? Did a lucky family pick Miss Lulu up? I don't really know. But I was frustrated that I didn't bring Lulu in.


On my 14th birthday, Daddy gave me Kitty Paw and I was angry. Happy but angry. That I could not take Lulu in. This cute writhing, critter. In my hands. So small and fragile. Just like Lulu used to be. But she's a big girl now.


I had a adopted kitten in my hands. I love Kitty Paw. But I love Miss Lulu too.


I miss you, Lulu.

Love isn't Blind. Love is...

Selfish.

Why? Take an egoistic man. The egoist is not a man incapable of love; he is the only man capable of it. To say "I love you", he must learn how to say "I" first.

So maybe, that's what's wrong with me. I don't really know anymore. Like, it's so complicated, I can't deal with it. Why does it take so little to make someone so happy in a big way? They say the little things count. What about the bigger things that someone does for you? Do you shove it aside? Or regard it, silently?

I was never cut out for this love thing. God's honest truth, I don't think I ever really loved a guy/girl in a relationship before. Maybe it was just all... Lust. Lust for love. In my own little world. Sometimes, I find it diffcult to bring myself to say "I love you." Maybe you could tell me why, and enlighten me for a bit?

The best love is Sacrifical Love. Giving love, to those who can't, or won't, love someone back. I've always been so stubborn, especially with guys. 4 guys, wooing me at the same time. And I get really mean. But 1 stood out from the rest. But he seems to be like the other Robots.

I wish I could give love, selflessly.
I wish I could stop lusting, and start loving.

And coming to think of it, I don't think Love is selfish at all. I am.
I need help.

Update I Say.

So guess what guys? I went to apply for the DAE exercise @ Republic Polytechnic. If you didn't know that already, guess you're not my friend after all. (:

I got rejected. As always! So, when I told Father I got rejected (is he going to punch my teeth in!?) he gave me a dumb look.

"Appeal?"
"Can, but I doubt that they'll..."
"Erika Jane Rajendiran, I've seen what you can do. If you can write killer essays like what you used to do, you can definitely write a killer appeal."
"Err, I don't know..."
"Write about your financial status, they might take you in."
"But..."
"And write about the contributions you've done for the school, scriptwriting and writing in your free time."
"Usually they just ignore appeals like that, I don't.."
"Erika, I have faith in you. Just do it."

That being said, my Father was a man who spoke little words. Very little.

BIG thanks to Dad, Abby, Adriel, Lyrael, Sal & Kasmir. (:

Just You & Me!

Hurry Josh! I miss you! Come back here to Singapore!
I miss you truckloads. Coffee. You and me.
And cook for me the best dish you can serve to your bestfriend!

Ahhh, I just miss you so much, Josh.
So make it quick!

Touch.

How do you react when you get a hug from your parents? Maybe your father, perhaps? I'd be estatic!

The sad truth is, my father is the kind of man whose afraid to show emotion. Alright, maybe afraid isn't the right word but more like weak. Say whatever you want. But men who don't know how to show true emotions, like crying is somewhat weak. He doesn't like to show how he feels. Because he thinks it's a weakness. No, I'm not making an assumption. I wish my father could hug me. The only time I guess he ever showed daughter-to-father physical contact when I was a baby. When he carries me. After that, everything just started dwindling down the drain...

On the other hand, I'm thankful for my mother. It's... something that maybe people will never learn to understand. Even though my mother wasn't around alot, she gave me unconditional love that no one can ever give to me. To me, that's the best gift I can ever recieve from a parent.


Like what they always say, the littlest things matter.

Touch & love.


Yesterday, my mother came over to visit me. Honestly, it's been quite only say a week since she visited me and my sister? But it felt like forever! That's how much I love her. I don't blame my father for not being touchy touchy after all the things his been through but I would actually appreciate if for once he said that he loves me or something. I can't help thinking why he cannot open up. Every one of his birthday passes by, I give him a big sloppy kiss on the cheek & a BIG teddy bear hug. When my birthday comes, nothing but presents and out for dinner.

My mother has been going through alot of things lately and she comes to me and talks to me. She actually TALKS to me. Amazing! Like, thank god for my mother she thinks like a teenager. That only happens when it comes to talk from matters of the heart. Work and being serious? Man, she's a whole other person. But at least I can respect my mother for that. Work & Play! Purr-fect.

Well, completely digressing here. She was talking to her fiance on the phone (actually boyfriend, but I use fiance cause it sounds better and YES! my parents are divorced. COMMON!) and she started giggling and laughing and being just so happy! I smiled to myself while I saw her laughing.

My mom and me were lying in the same bed, my head very near to her bosom and she started making funny faces. I guess he really makes her happy. I started smelling my mother's hand. I love the way she smells. She smells exactly the same way 10 years ago...

Then, she started to do something to me she never did before in years!

She started to caress my hair. Mind you not the kind where just start stroking your daughter's hair randomly. Blast back to the pass, when I was diagnosed with asthama when I was 5, I started to feel pain in my chest. I would call for her. She would lie beside me, start stroking my hair lovingly to tell me everything was alright and I felt safe under her care.

13 years into the future, I get the same feeling. And I actually forgot what it was like to feel my Mother's Touch again. It felt good. Her fingers parting my fringe, pushing back my hair, feeling her fingers against my scalp. She stopped. Then I nudged my mother's hand to stroke my hair again.

She stopped every few minutes and we start caressing my hair. After she hung up, she just looked at me. We didnt say anything for a few minutes. Look of happiness on her face. I just kept a composed face.

(I WAS SQUEALING WITH HAPPINESS INSIDE BECAUSE 1. MY MOM'S HAPPY 2. I'M HAPPY CAUSE SHE'S STROKING MY HAIR! i'm nuts.)

She just continued stroking my hair. :)

Dorkington Hackers.

The title is the name of a graphic tee that I have. Random.

Anyways. I would like to say something different today. I dreamt of a couple of weird things. Some not so weird! Some I think are just premonitions or whatever.

1. I dreamt of Adriel's book cover. Like how it looks like. The name of the book was View To A Kill. It's after a Duran Duran song. HAHA!

2. I dreamt of Hayden from Heroes & Mila from Resident Evil having sex when the world was about to end. I guess I have been reading too much celeb trash. (I SWEAR I HAVENT BEEN READING ANY FOR THE PAST FEW DAYS!)

3. My former secondary school friends and my bestfriends were spared. We got into like escape pods, the one that you see in Star Wars. It jetison out into space!

4. We came back down to Earth after 4 years (I think.) and everything went to oblivion.

Now, I'm scared.

Note to self: Hair feels weird today... again! Paper cuts on my fingers when I havent been dealing with papers at all!

To Put On A Brave Front.

Buckets proved useful.... somewhat.

I didn't cry in school. I didnt have the strength to cry.
I got home & cried.

My father was angry with me. I have let friends down.
Soo many of them....

Shame on me.

Goodbye.

The Sun.

*ouch*

Hey.

Hello.

Hi.

Ni Hao?

I met up with a particular someone yesterday. We clicked immediately! :O
It was quite astonishing actually. Let me elaborate more on what happened.

Gentleman: Jupiter, do you notice every guy that walks past by us?

Me: Huh?

Gentleman: You never noticed?

Me: Not really actually, why?
Gentleman: Every guy that walks past by us looks at you! *smiles*

Me: Oh... That. When it's guys that's staring at me, I couldnt give a shit whether they stare. *laughs*

And honestly, Gentleman was the very first person who hugs me so gently! Like with so much care. Like as if he hugs me any harder then that, I might break. Fragile! Haha, it was funny, but I just kept quiet. I told him about my dastardly ex-boyfriend as he wanted to know more.

(never in my life have I met a friend who wants to know so much about the dastardly ex-boyfriend!)

And I saw Teri, my primary school mate yesterday! She has really luscious hair! Beautiful hair. I'm not exaggerating, Teri! :D

*giggles*

I shall bleed and cry my heart out tml if my results doesn't turn out the way I want it to be!
I would've let down so many people.

(bring buckets tomorrow.)

:(

Note to self: Raunchy Raunchy Sex Sex, I'm Gonna Give You A Heart Attack!

Looking Around & About!

Oh my god! *giggles*

Guess what? I've been looking around the web for some interesting blogs and I did! Some lame ones, some like mine, some like Simbian's! And I found 5 ordinary looking blogs. But some posts touched my heart.

I wonder even whether people read these! Senseless. I think i'm going to post one of my writings that I just did recently. I write. I write erotic stories & which is why I dont show it to people, because I'm very mindful of what people think of my short stories. Now you know!

Jolly good.

My next post will be about hobbies. Weird ones. I have suddenly been dabbling into make-up. (dabbling, not buying!) Yes, every women's bestfriend.

Note to self: Even the eyeliner, yes. Diamond's arent only women's bestfriend, that also includes Seduction! Mmm....

I have a friend who tells me I write in a very candid manner, do I? Well, I think I like it that way. A punch of humour they say with a teensy weensy bit of sarcasm! (if you can spot it!) I like to keep it nice, light, funny & simple. But some people just cant get enough of Simple, *sigh*

I have another friend who tells me I make him laugh, I keeps things fun. I was pretty shocked, no, really. I never knew I could make people laugh, well, maybe just a joke or two.

Laughter.

Haha, I wish to keep things simple and happy. Just the way it is.
xoxo, love ya.

The Very First Tattoo Convention @ Singapore Expo tomorrow, 9th January!

Okay, I'm seriously pissed.

Chris Garver will be coming to Singapore, TOMORROW and he will be at the Singapore Expo & I cant be there! :( Their having one of the largest tattoo conventions in Asia & loads of tattoo artists will be going over there to showcase their works of art.

AND I CANT BE THERE.

Chris Garver for heaven sakes! Damn it, I'll just have to wait until the next time I'll be @ Miami then. Like 3-4 years from now!?

Oh Chris Garver, I love your works. :(

Groovy flowers!

Hello my sweety pies.

Slap me! I haven't been dedicated to blogging as much cuz' for one! I don't have anything creative to blog about. And second! I am currently watching Heroes Season 3!

(Yes, I know I'm slow, I have been busy, okay!)

So, how did you celebrate your New Year? I hope that it was good for you! I was thinking of going to party at Fort Silso but I kept picturing Bangla's raping Chinese girls after they were totally drunk and smashed.

So, I did the most decent thing a girl can do. Stay home, celebrate the New Year by popping a bottle of Champagne & Sparkling Juice!

(Little sister cannot drink!)

We played Bingo and stuff, though it was slightly boring, but it's pretty much okay!

And, forget New year Resolutions! Why bother making up new ones at the start of the year when you know you're gonna break them anyways? Say, you wanna lose a lil' bit of weight right? At the end of the year, you're supposed to lose 2 kg, instead, you gain 10kg!

Depressing right? New Year Resolutions are overrated and very depressing if you're not someone whose committed to making your resolutions real and end up disappointing yourself.

Why not... Let's just treat everyday as if it was the last day of they year? Love your family, cherish your friends & always pray to God, live life to the fullest & most importantly, treat your body with respect!

May the year 2009 be even better then 2008 because why? You know that whatever bad thing screwed up your life last year, remember this.

"THAT WAS SOOOO LAST YEAR!"

*laughs*

Stack 'em, Bitch!

I was up at 6:02am in the morning & true to my word, I put my alarm on snooze when it was 6am. Yes, I am not a morning riser, never am, never will.

(Selvan wouldn't be too pleased to hear this, I think, HAHAHAHA!)

No particular reason why I'm up so early really. *grins from ear to ear*
I AM GOING FOR MY SHOPPING SPREE IN MALAYSIA FOR A DAY, BABY!

TO DO LIST.

1. Dump the mobile aside for a day. (Wouldnt be fun if no one knew where I was?)
2. Get all the movies on my list! (I have a big horrible collection of movies, I dare say. :D)
3. I'm going redhead too. (Abit too drastic, I know.)
4. Get my ego boost from those cheeky Malaysians who love winking at pretty girls.
5. The most boring part of the journey, grocery shopping, ._.

Things are way cheap over there, so mind as well get everything from Malaysia!
So, please do not me miss me, cuz I know I wont!

*evil laughter*

Cya later, alligatorrrrrrr!

Stacks of thoughts.

I organise my thoughts, feelings & emotions like books on a dusty shelf.

I like being friends with Russians because everything about them eludes me. Their beauty, their accent, their features. They express their feeling about men with such gusto!

Whether they hate 'em or love 'em. Oh Russian woman.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today, is a really horibble day for me. I feel so alone, so cut out from the world. (few would know why.) I was actually thinking of blogging about something really happy and upbeat, but after what happened tonight, I dont think so.

I have this friend, his name is E.

You know, I get really pissed when people chat & talk on the phone? If you wanna do something, do it one at a time. (thank god for multi-tasking, but it has its flaws too; you do better at one thing while the other just falls behind.) I dont know why, talking on the phone and chatting just don't go hand in hand!

Maybe that's because I'm bad at it, HAHAHA!

I think I just need to chill out & just take a big *sigh*, you reckon?


Nah, I am not angry with E. I am actually not angry with anyone.
I am angry with myself, for making mistakes. I am sorry, Firdaus.
I'm just another person with pent up erradical feelings just waiting to burst out!

Ahh, why can't I share this with anyone? I feel more alone then ever now.
I will blog about something that really bothers me, particularly Jet-Lag.

As well as something happy, depending on Erika Jane's mood.
(it sucks when your in friggin' France in the night & you're bloody hell wide awake!)

Good night.

I am your mob boss, John Abruzzi.

Yes!

I am literally hooked onto Prison Break at the moment. Call me old, but I just want to watch the Wentworth Miller on DVD! Haha, starting all the way from Season 1. Oh my pretty boy. & finally my damn internet it back on, sheesh!

*blushes*

Did you also realise that when Wenworth smiles, he actually has cow teeth!? :O

Yesterday.

I was so glad that my mother came over, it's not all the time that my poor mother comes over and actually has a ball of a time with me and my sister! It just fills me to the brim with happiness to actually see a smile on her face, you know?

The little things matter to me the most. It's always the thought that counts.

Mmmm.....

ANYWAYS! Completely digressing here! Mother, sister & me cam-whored for the whole day! Which is just awesome you know why?

Most mom's don't do that. All they do is cook, clean, listen & laugh with you. Not like it's a bad thing. One of the other perks to have a brill' mother is that she cam-whores too! :D

PS: I DONT CARE HOW UNGLAM I LOOK ALREADY!

Someone to love!

It is official, I just realised that someone who has been in my class for like a year, who sat beside me during the first half of the year likes me!

:O

I am shocked way beyong belief. I am shocked because I never would expect him to like me because I treat him like a brother/close friend. And when he told me he liked me, I was like, :O :O :O :O all the way!

To make matters worse, I didnt sleep for the whole night! E, my twin, will know why. :(
I am scared & happy.

CHEERS TO NEW RELATIONSHIPS, NEW FOUND LOVE & FRIENDS!
Edward loves Jolene.
131208.

Geekdom, I worship.

I am the Geekdom. I praise Geekdom. Whatever it is.
Categorize me under.... Bookworm Geek.

Hahahaha, E is my new found best friend & twin. Even though he is short & skinny & I am the opposite, we call each other twins, because of the similarities. Cheers to new found best friends! He is a sci-fi geek, which is cool because we both enjoy Star Wars. (shut up, Star Wars fucking owns your ass, ok!)

3 Days Ago.

I was minding my own business. My sister and me went to the library. Daddy was on the way to work, so mind as well ask the man to drive you there, right? So, we bid Daddy adieu. Went into the library, walked around, grabbed some comic books & fictional books.

The kid sister brat parted away from me.
"never mind it's ok, she'll come back."

While I was walking through sections W-Z, some guy walked in the opposite direction and said: "Hi!"
"what the hell was that for!? wait, is he even handsome!? :O"

Yeah, alright, there was a grin on my face. But guess what? My sister appeared outta nowhere and said: "Erika, did you know that guy has been stalking us all around the library!?" I thought I was gonna die on the spot. Then she left me alone... again!

"you're a big girl! you can handle him."

"Good afternoon, can I be your friend?" Omg, next thing I knew, he stood in front of me saying that to my face. Ok, seriously, that's lame! (no offence!) To top it all off, I was sooooo embarrassed to be standing beside him! YOU KNOW WHY!?

He was wearing a Manchester United Jersey, with his Jersey tucked all the way into his jeans. Straight cut blue jeans that were pulled up so high to his tummy! (I'm not kidding! NO EXAGGERATION!) And he was wearing some yucky flip flops. And a very oily face, VERY!

First impressions really accounts for someone, especially if you wanna say "Hi!", right? He didn't make a good first impression at all. OMG, worst of all.... he was SO dirty looking! & old, not to mention. Aieee, do I really attract this kinda chekopek kinda guys?! Plus he look like a cross between a chekopek-malay-disgusting-pervertic-geek. I worship Geekdom, but one thing I can never stand is a perverted geek! THE NERVE!

"What's your name Miss?"
"Why should I tell you my name? Just because you asked?"
"Just tell lahh, it won't kill you right?"
"It might you know."
"Are you working or studying?"
"Errrrrr, sorry, it's against company policy to tell you that."

He was like ?!?!?!?! And I said, sorry, I'm just not interested in you. Sorry!
"You can't even tell me your name?"
"this guy is seriously very persistent! think of something witty & bitchy!"
"I'm sorry, I'm just not into you. Try some other girl? *smiles demurely* Nice meeting you.", I said.

He just looked at me with pitiful eyes and walked outta the library.
Oh my god, and my fucking sister got the best seat in the house, just by watching me!

Sisters take the joy in watching you make a fool of yourself. This is one of the situations!

PS: Thank goodness for E.

Bummer.. Or Whatever You Call It.

I lay in bed, feeling excitment in every bone of my body because I live to die another day in the hands of someone else.

Defintely not my ex-boss!

It just feels good to be home, to laze around, like any young adult should on a good ole' sunday. I like writing about my experiences, whether good or bad. (only good girls/guys keeps a real diary in hand to pen it down, without fail, did you hear?) I'd rather write about simple things maybe like food? (one day I will!) Cooking has always been an art in my kinda household, which is cool because the family can take part in it! And I'm just happy to be helping out with cooking.

PS: Neither am I a good cook or be a good wife.... yet!

Thankful.

My dad & I were flipping channels back and forth while waiting for Survivor. Animal Planet's Documentary on Animals, History Channel's War in Manila between the Americans & Japanese. But that part is very irrelevant to what I'm going to say.

I just realised that teenagers of our generation don't spend much time with our family members. Did you realise that? Truthfully, if my father wasn't that hot-headed when it comes to cooking together as a family, I would be helping out too. My dad is like Chef Ramasay from that reality cooking show called Hell's Kitchen. Argh, one stupid mistake and he'll get super mad pissed & everything in the kitchen goes flying. So, I try to appease his anger by letting him vent it all out. After realising what his done, he'll just keep quiet and go to his room, come back out and talk to us as if nothing happened.

What the hell is with this people? Is a simple sorry so difficult? I dislike people who can't bring themselves to say sorry just because they have a pride. Ok, completely digressing here!

True, I love my friends, social life, but I dont think most teens don't really take time to sit down and talk to parents like a friend! When my mother comes over to visit me, I get super hyped about it, I cant stop calling her! My mother is my bestfriend & I'm so thankful for it. I'd want to talk to my father like a friend, but somehow I cant. His the super strict daddy, so I cant never talk to him about anything. The tongue piercing incident was already bad enough for me, so what makes him think I'd talk to him like a grown up?! He doesnt like hugging & kissing, but I guess that's just how some men are. And for once, I was quite happy to be sitting with my daddy & sister in his room watching television, without any arguments!

Mother is coming tomorrow! :D <3

I Just Realised..

That I have alot of people who love me but don't realise it because I'm too "blind" to see what's in front of me. FOOLISH!
I love Raissa & Cassandra. *tight hugs & kisses!*

Thank you for being there when I needed you girls, :) *spanks*
<3