Manipulation Subject: No. 4

My heart aches.

Yesterday was such a total suckfest. I didn't know why I did it in the first place. That one tiny or should I say one big decision was either gonna make me or break me. Well, it broke me & made him. Did he actually really listen to my personal message? I dont know. I just thought he never noticed things around him. Maybe the same excuse again. Your busy. I really thought he's be good....

I called yesterday night the moment Dad left the computer room. I quickly snatched th cordless from the charger & dialled your number in excitement. When I heard your voice on the other line, my heart did back-flips, rolls & spins. I was happy to hear him. He had been very busy for the past few days but at least yesterday I got him all to myself. And thats when all the nightmare began. Somethig I dreaded for a very long time.

"...a cool off."

Sure. We can cool off.

But something was very wrong. And maybe the decision I made was wrong too. It broke me down so badly that I cried into my pillows throughout the whole night, thinking I would never stop. Ever. I couldnt stop thinking. Then I started to get flashbacks. MY flashbacks.

The times where you would burp and I would try to burp as loud as I can. The times when we were on the phone & you would just go to the bathroom & just pee without caring I was there, knowing it made me so annoyed. The kisses I would have reluctantly give so that I could just get one small wet kiss? The sessions we'd have. And sometimes at the end of it, we would laugh?

It hurts so much to let the good memories go. I loved him so much. But sometimes one has to let go for something he has to do. I figured it was the best thing for you. But not for me. Andre, the truth is? You were basically my everything. Even though there were funny moments when you would snore on the when we slept together (which was really kinda funny!), I loved you all the more. You were the boy who would cheer me up & wipe away my tears when I cried, the person to be there for me when i needed a shoulder to cry on and not now... mother would be very upset that this.. US. is over.

She has been really looking forward to meet you. I'm not using it as an excuse or whatever. But its the truth. And without even telling chelsea, my kid sister knows.

"why did you do it erika? he loved you."

I still couldnt understand what you meant when you said, :"Erika, it doesnt have to end this way." You were so cold when you say that, you know? If only I could tape it down. Now all I have is happy memories of you and all the bullshit you threw to my face and that one big question mark on my head to why i did it. Sacrafice? Maybe not.

"No matter who or what which has been working hard at tearing us apart, my heart will always beat for you, Erika. Even if you fall in love with another guy, even if our paths cease to ever cross again, my heart will always be beating for you."

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I want to feel again. Love. Feeling very sappy now. Like, what can I say. My only excuse is that i'm very out of my element now and that i'm still a girl who wants to feel.

I threw all my 5 senses out of the window, wondering when I'll get it back...