I'm Vomitting All My Thoughts Out Now.

1. Beauty Only Skin Deep?

After my final day of work last Sunday, I decided to walk a couple of bus stops away from my usual bus stop. Took me a good thirty mintues to walk 4 bus stops away. Tucking my hair behind my ears and lighting up a cigarrette, I saw a Caucasian man carrying her redhead daughter (assuming here.) and an Punjabi lady carrying a pink faced baby girl. I stumbled for a bit as the fire burnt my skin. Why is it that more and more people are going for people out of their race?

Not trying to state the interracial relationships and marriages are wrong but... is it really possible? I, myself, cannot believe my parents got married and made people like me, Erika, as well as my sister, Chelsea.

I think I'm experiencing one of those days where I'm just throughly confused about the concept of love-color-religion. It totally doesn't fit well, never hand in hand. Conflicts, fights, disagreements, but it still happens. Man, the power of Love, fucking amazing.

2. Guilt.

I have a best friend. His name is E. And I did something very wrong. To me, it's almost like incest. I made a sworn promise; a pinky promise to never tell anyone. And I can't. I'm his little skeleton closet. Your own personal skeleton closet. It gives me a slight bit of joy knowing a get to carry this little burden of yours... our little burden.

3. Tattoo.

I am contemplating of getting a tattoo of a mutant kitten. Either that or a hieroglyphics cat. All golden and black. What do you think? Daddy would not be too happy about it.

4. Smoking.

I confessed to my mom that I picked up smoking, due to stress. That, could be one of the reasons. But another one of the reasons is because I enjoy it... immensely. Something that would kill me. Sorry, but this morning I could not help laugh to myself how pathetic I was as I stepped out of the house at 7 in the morning when everyone was out of work and I was smoking at the staircase just nearby my house corridoor. The things I restort to just for my sinful pleasures. Who knows what else I might do to fulfill my lust for other pleasures?

5. My very bad memories that keeps haunting me.

I miss Andre Tay. I miss you. Can you hear me? I miss you! Please come back. Come back to me! I've never stopped loving you. I'm dating someone who has the same name as you. I cannot bear to utter your without you flooding into my thoughts and not make me tear. You still have and effect on me. Where are you now? Because of you, I will not talk to the current Andre I am dating. Look what you've done.

I'm So Very Real.

Today, I cried because my manager scolded me. I think I can't work under pressure. My manager insulted my mother openly in front of me. I feel very lost and confused. I'm going to change my job. To something less stressful.

I haven't been able to sleep this past few days. The meds that the doc prescribed me with seemed to make me feel so much worse, instead of getting better. I find myself crying so very often now. Which is not like me.

I think I need help. I'm not very sure of myself anymore.

Tick Tock.

These are the thoughts that go through my head,
In my backyard on a Sunday afternoon.
When I have the house to myself and i'm not,
Expending all that energy on fighting with my boyfriend.

Is he the one that I will marry?
Why is it so hard to be objective about myself?
Why do I feel cellularly alone?
Am I supposed to live in this crazy city?
Can blindly continued fear induced regurgitated life-denying
Tradition be overcome?

Where does the money go that I send to those in need?
If we have so much why do some people have nothing still?
Why do I feel frantic when I first wake up in the morning?
Why do you say you are spiritual,
Yet you treat people like shit?

How can you say you're close to god,
And yet you talk behind my back as though I am not?
A part of you? why do I say I'm fine when it's
Obvious I'm not? why's it so hard to tell you what I want?
Why can't you just read my mind?

Why do I fear that the quieter I am the less you will listen?
Why do I care whether you like me or not?
Why is it so hard for me to be angry?
Why is it such work to stay conscious and so easy to get stuck,
And not the other way around?

Will I ever move back to Canada?
Can I be with a lover with whom I am a student and a master?
Why am I encouraged to shut my mouth when it gets too close to home?
Why cannot I live in the moment?

Speaking of Which...

I bumped into Bobby Tonelli yesterday.... ;)

Heat Waves.

End of work. I light a cigarette. The sun is burning me.

I sweat. And I thought, "Maybe if I was filthy rich right now, I'd be left to waste in a girls home... I'll have to stop smoking."

Ack-nor-ledge.

I was offered an acting role.

At a short film. That requires me to cry. Crying; I'm a cry baby. I always tell people I'm such a strong-willed person. I won't ever cry in front of people. Anyways, who will? I turned that role down. Could have earned me some extra cash... Thinking money's all I'll ever know. Astonishingly, I turned it down.

I never cry in front of my sister. I only did on 2 occasions. Never will again. I don't know whether you feel the same way as I do. It's a task to be the oldest sibling. Standing up for your brother/sister, advising what to and what NOT to do. Heart-to-heart talks. And the most important of all. To be strong for your siblings. I want nothing more but give my unconditional love and knowledge to my sister. But what do I know about love and knowledge? I'm only 18.

I feel numb. I don't know what to do. Day in, day out. Work. Eat. Piss. Shit. Sleep. Smoke. Work Eat. Piss. Shit. Smoke. Sleep.

It's a never ending cycle, that honestly I'm getting sick of. I've been doing this for 2 months now. I wonder what will happen if this happens any longer. Certain people have been able to take this kind of.... shit, for years. A year or 2. I don't wanna do this any longer. I don't like it. I've been taking shit all my life. I'm saying it now. I wanna write. Travel the world. See places. Plant my red sneaker prints all over the world. Just 2 weeks ago, I almost bought myself a one way ticket to Philippines. I really almost did. But leaving my loved ones behind will be very selfish of me.

-

I got a nuisance customer today. Insisting a refund for one of the top up cards. He looked like a drug addict. If my manager wasn't there. I would have lost 28 bucks straight from my account. Thank God for little miracles.

-

I met this girl, her name is Su Er, through work. She's a very nice and pleasant girl. I met her boyfriend, too. His name is Ivan. Handsome, tall and good-looking. When I glanced at him the very first time, I literally got an electric shock through my fingers, a sensation that I have never felt before. (not bullshitting.) I have actually seen him before. I failed to tell him this.

I DREAMT OF HIM BEFORE! I never told him that though, only indirectly. I said: "Maybe we dreamt of each other before?" I hope I don't ever see him again. Su Er seemed slightly jealous. I guess it's only natural for a girl to feel that way. No offence. He too, said the same thing. A familiar face, I am. I guess it's just me but he had that certain look whenever he was talking to me and it was so fucking obvious (even though she never said a word) that Su was not liking it... at all.

-

My expenditure for one week is 6o bucks. I blew all my money away on cigarettes and junk stuff. I've got a measly $9.50. I have no idea how the hell I'm going to survive on that. My sister said: "Survive on a dollar a day." I don't know the fuck how!

-

I cannot stop thinking about Ivan. I wish I'll never see him again. He was mine in my dream. Not Su Er's.

2 Different 4U.

He traces his fingers along her neckline as she breathes lightly, her chest moving in rhythm with every breathe she took. Restless, he withdrew his hand away from her and laid down beside her, as he did before.

"What's the harm in tracing your fingers on little May? It's not like you're going to kill her.... I hope?"

A big sigh and he closes his eyes. He opens them again and looks at May. Such serenity, most likely having a lucid dream. He shuffles a bit, and looks up.

".... if only you knew, I am screwing another girl whom I'm going to marry in 2 months time..."

He kisses her forehead gently, "It's to time get up, darling, or you'll be late for work." She stirs sleepily in her sleep, dazed from the soft kiss. She turns and smiles. He got up and walked to the kitchen to make some coffee and toast. She watched him lovingly from the back.

".... if only you knew, I am screwing my colleague at work who gives me good loving more than you ever would..."

In 2 years, so much can happen. And it did. No point in stopping the inevitable.

"Get your ass out of bed for breakfast!"

She watched him head to the bathroom as her eyelids fell back over her eyes. She felt her mind drifting back away from her body and into sleep. She was halfway dozing when he returned to the room and lay over her. He nuzzled his nose against her face and kissed at her cheeks.

"I adore you."
"I love you."
"Thanks."
"Say it."
"I love you", he said with a hint of relutance.

Who Needs A Reason To Love?

My love for you will never wane.

Where Have You Gone, I Say.

It has been 2 years... almost 3 years. And I haven't heard from you.
Actually, 4 months to be exact.

You're nowhere to be found. No phone calls. No visits. No letters or emails.
Gone without a trace.

I wish I could sense you but I can't seem to sense your presence anymore.
Gone without a trace...

It'll bring me relief if I could sense your presense, just a little will do. But I can't.
Gone without a trace.

NEW HAIR-EEEE.

Just at the title says. And I've been watching WAY too many Dr. Tran videos, shizzzzzzz! :D

BEFORE.

AFTER.

On a lighter note, say hello to my new friends! (kitty paw isn't new.)



















Hey E! I miss you! I <3 you, D.