These ARE Just Words.

I'm talking to you. Yes, YOU.

I really don't need your help. In fact, I don't want help. Not anymore. I've been living with my problems ever since I was born and I've been able to cope with it just fine.

Yeah, a listening ear at times but I don't think I want it anymore. You... have your past haunting you. I want a break. I want a break. You've always loved her. For 16 months. I do believe there's that other someone whose perfect for you in everyway, that fits like a glove. And I don't think I'm that person. Don't I smoother you with love? You hate that. I tell you I love you but you can't do the same. These here are very good reason for a break.

Tiky, listen to you heart. It aches because you yearn for Natalie... still.
Care and Love ARE 2 totally different things. Don't just be with me because I'm in a very tight spot right now.

Leave me because you have to. And you need to get Natalie back. I know you still love her.
So just go. And don't make mistakes like I have.

Just go. Back to Natalie. I will be fine.

These Are Words, Just Words?

Daydreaming Solutions.

I had a vision; when I woke up today morning when the sunshine started pouring through my curtainless window.

A vision of me and you. In a car. Driving the endless road to nowhere. With songs of hope, love and peace filling our ears, space and heart. Reminding me of the times when you would take my hands and trace words of love on my palms.

I look into your eyes. I see the sea. Full of water. I feel it might choke me and drown me. But it's a sight to behold. A beautiful danger in your eyes. That won't let me die. It does not rage of anger but I feel it. Drops of water trickling down my face and on to my neck. Do you want to kill?

I reach out for you hand and cusp it to my chest. I say: "We will be together, Forever and always." Because I believe it so. I want to believe it. Into the land of eternity, we will walk.

Someone this beautiful to me cannot simply just be a figment of my imagination, can it be not?
For this to happen, I must Daydream.

Choose your path.

I am looming over like a shadow, almost non-existent.
To want to touch you but I cannot because you are the Untouchable.
I feel the need to kill, the need strangle, the need to smell... blood.

Can I knock you out dizzy and feel the blood rush to your heart?
Feeling the fear grip you, for you know your time has come?
Perhaps, to choke some sense into you?
And you suddenly panic, thinking why you didn't choose the road to Redemption.

To see the blood drip, drop by drop.
Trickling slowly from the sides of your wrists and mouth.
I would really really... love that.

And you cry, why?
"Why do you do this, my dear daughter?"

"This is to force you to change and to expose you, for what you are, Daddy. Because all you ever were and ever will be, is a Liar."

And you die, slowly with Fear in your eyes, wishing you chose the better path, the righteous path.

Miss Lulu.

Muffy the "Mafia".

I've always been very attatched to any animal you put my arms into. Ugly dog, feisty cat, fat rabbit, I loved every single on of them. A connection with this animals, that I feel for.


Before I moved to Bedok, I was living @ Tampines. And every morning, I would secretly go out of my house corridor just to visit this kitten that happens to come by occasinally. My daddy was always either busy at work or not be bothered to care what I do at times. I named her Lulu, because Lulu was a calico. Orange, black and white spots. So beautiful in her own way. I suspected she was deaf. Her left eye was greyish-blue (just like my Kitty Paw that I have now. ) and her right was electric blue.


She liked licking my fingers as a form of greeting whenever we saw each other. (I nuzzled her ears back.) We'd hide at the staircase and sit there for 2o mins before the maid comes calling me. She would fuss me to go bathe claiming it was a "beary dirty kat". Of course, I refused.


I would hint to Daddy sometimes about a kitten but he didn't seem happy about it due to chronic asthama at that time. On mornings that I wake up to find that Lulu wasn't there, I would actually feel extremely sad. This happened when I was 13. Lulu had this habit of eating silverfish (we owned Louhans at the time, it was a in thing back then) where she would chew it and spit it back out and eat it again. HAHA!


After 3 months of seeing Miss Lulu, she stopped coming back. I watched Miss Lulu grow to a beautiful cat. Very graceful in fact. Not a very graceful tail she had, but it was jsut purr-fect in my eyes. She reminds me alot like my Kitty Paw. Miss Lulu's very picky with food as she grew up. I had a hard time finding her favourite food. Miss Lulu stopped visiting me. I have no idea why. Did she die? Did a lucky family pick Miss Lulu up? I don't really know. But I was frustrated that I didn't bring Lulu in.


On my 14th birthday, Daddy gave me Kitty Paw and I was angry. Happy but angry. That I could not take Lulu in. This cute writhing, critter. In my hands. So small and fragile. Just like Lulu used to be. But she's a big girl now.


I had a adopted kitten in my hands. I love Kitty Paw. But I love Miss Lulu too.


I miss you, Lulu.

Love isn't Blind. Love is...

Selfish.

Why? Take an egoistic man. The egoist is not a man incapable of love; he is the only man capable of it. To say "I love you", he must learn how to say "I" first.

So maybe, that's what's wrong with me. I don't really know anymore. Like, it's so complicated, I can't deal with it. Why does it take so little to make someone so happy in a big way? They say the little things count. What about the bigger things that someone does for you? Do you shove it aside? Or regard it, silently?

I was never cut out for this love thing. God's honest truth, I don't think I ever really loved a guy/girl in a relationship before. Maybe it was just all... Lust. Lust for love. In my own little world. Sometimes, I find it diffcult to bring myself to say "I love you." Maybe you could tell me why, and enlighten me for a bit?

The best love is Sacrifical Love. Giving love, to those who can't, or won't, love someone back. I've always been so stubborn, especially with guys. 4 guys, wooing me at the same time. And I get really mean. But 1 stood out from the rest. But he seems to be like the other Robots.

I wish I could give love, selflessly.
I wish I could stop lusting, and start loving.

And coming to think of it, I don't think Love is selfish at all. I am.
I need help.

Update I Say.

So guess what guys? I went to apply for the DAE exercise @ Republic Polytechnic. If you didn't know that already, guess you're not my friend after all. (:

I got rejected. As always! So, when I told Father I got rejected (is he going to punch my teeth in!?) he gave me a dumb look.

"Appeal?"
"Can, but I doubt that they'll..."
"Erika Jane Rajendiran, I've seen what you can do. If you can write killer essays like what you used to do, you can definitely write a killer appeal."
"Err, I don't know..."
"Write about your financial status, they might take you in."
"But..."
"And write about the contributions you've done for the school, scriptwriting and writing in your free time."
"Usually they just ignore appeals like that, I don't.."
"Erika, I have faith in you. Just do it."

That being said, my Father was a man who spoke little words. Very little.

BIG thanks to Dad, Abby, Adriel, Lyrael, Sal & Kasmir. (:

Actually...

Eating is the second best thing I can do with my mouth.

:)

There Is Always Truth In Just.

Do some soul-searching. Misuss does not want to do soul-searching.

You seem to have a very cynical look in life, on most days. Why is that so, Misuss? One day you're like Sarah Silverman, the next you're like the happiest airhead in town. Ignorance is bliss, maybe. Atheism is not a bad thing. Being asexual isn't too.

Being optimistic does not hurt. Misuss is sad. Misuss is hurt. Misuss has nerves of steel. Misuss can control her emotions. But Misuss is hurt. Misuss has a Heart. A black Heart. But she feels hurt.

Soul-searching might bring her to a Halt. Halt. Halt. Stop and not Go. Halt. Misuss believes she is happy. Because Misuss Lies to herself that she's happy. Lies takes away the obvious. But Misuss is better that way. Misuss is happier with Lies. I know that when Misuss smiles, she is Hurt. Because Misuss constantly Lies.

Foolish Misuss, she has no One. None to Love. Because all are Dead. It is better that the living are Dead. They are better that way.

But behind all the Lies, there is always Truth in just.

The Reminiscences of a Fallen Angel; Part 8.

It's probably wrong to believe there can be any limit to the horror which the human mind can experience. On the contrary, it seems that some exponential effects begins to obtain as deeper and deeper falls. As little as we may like to admit it, human experiences tends, in a good many ways, to support the idea that when the nightmare grows black enough, horror spawns horror, that one coincidental evil begets other, often more deliberate, evils, until finally blackness seems to cover everything. And the most terrifying question of all maybe just how much horror the human mind can stand and still maintain a wakeful, staring unrelenting sanity. At some point, it all starts to become funny. That maybe the point at which sanity begins to save itself or to buckle and break down; to be met with death sending a greeting call in your face when you least expect it.

-Stephen King; The Pet Semetary.

-

This was what happened to Kyle, Barbara & their late father, Mr Tommy.

"Daddy, where'd Mommy go?"
"MOMMY? Where's Mommy? Who knows- who cares? Right now, kids, we're playing a little game. It's a good one. You'll win a dollar."
"A-a-a whole dollar?", the beautiful girl, stammered.
"Yeah yeah. Whichever of you stays there in front of the window the longest, wins. A whole dollar." Kyle just stood there silent, not daring to breathe a word, in case he got hit by Mr Tommy again.
"Really? What if we both stay in our places forever and ever?"
"Then you both win a dollar."
"But where's Mommy?"

Mr Tommy looked like a purple grape, a look on his face like as if he was about to hurl.

"LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, BARBARA, YOUR MOTHER IS THE KIND OF PERSON WHO SAYS SHE'S SUPPORTIVE BUT REALLY WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT, SHE WAS A DIRTY SLUT." Tears rolled down her tiny, blue eyes. Big brother, Kyle, 7, muffled his voice in anger. Daddy took a swig from the bottle of beer.
"I spent what could have been every good moment if my life with that ungrateful and truly unpleasant woman. Every good moment of my life and the one time I really, really, really needed her. When I really, really needed her. Where'd she go? WHERE'D SHE GO KIDS!? WHERE'S MOMMY!? Well, she left Daddy all alone is where. She left Daddy all in this mess with nothing but you kids and a bunch of windows with no shades!"

A strong presence was sensed from behind but he couldn't turn around. His blood froze and he almost screamed. "Let's go, Tommy. Not in front of the kids." He forced himself to turn around, to be met with a tall, masculine man with a gun fixed with a silencer and the look of thirst and cold blood vengeance.

"Please..." Mr Tommy started sobbing like a baby.
"I had to! I had to get the job done, I just never knew it was your family I was going to clean and you to take it all. I never meant to!"

The man took him by Tommy's collar and dragged him all the way to the rooftop. Barbara and Kyle couldn't do anything but just just stare in awe. He pulled Tommy up to his feet, watched him sob pathetically and shoved him heavily to the ground. "Oof!"


"Maybe I should have done this in front of your kids. YOU would have."
"Please, Alan!"
"I should have shown them what a sniveling little worm their father really is. An image for them to take through life with them. Like the images you've given me. While I lay in the hospital, healing from the wounds you inflicted on me... Wondering why I no longer had children, why I no longer had a family."
"Have mercy, for heaven's sake!"


"Mercy is only for the living. To me you're left for dead, my man. I tried to wrap around my brain around why my life had ended and the hands of someone like you. I tried to understand why you are the way you are."
"I can... I can... Please..."
"And I figured it out. I know why man sins. Do you know why man sins?"
"W-why?"
"Because he wants to."
I was told that he had a clear cut shot. Kyle snuck up there to see everything.

He hoisted the gun out of his front pocket and pointed it to his temple.
"Not the face! Please... My kids, do it for my kids!"
"Face it is, my man."

Right in the face. I never knew someone would be cold enough to do that. Son of the devil.