Ack-nor-ledge.

I was offered an acting role.

At a short film. That requires me to cry. Crying; I'm a cry baby. I always tell people I'm such a strong-willed person. I won't ever cry in front of people. Anyways, who will? I turned that role down. Could have earned me some extra cash... Thinking money's all I'll ever know. Astonishingly, I turned it down.

I never cry in front of my sister. I only did on 2 occasions. Never will again. I don't know whether you feel the same way as I do. It's a task to be the oldest sibling. Standing up for your brother/sister, advising what to and what NOT to do. Heart-to-heart talks. And the most important of all. To be strong for your siblings. I want nothing more but give my unconditional love and knowledge to my sister. But what do I know about love and knowledge? I'm only 18.

I feel numb. I don't know what to do. Day in, day out. Work. Eat. Piss. Shit. Sleep. Smoke. Work Eat. Piss. Shit. Smoke. Sleep.

It's a never ending cycle, that honestly I'm getting sick of. I've been doing this for 2 months now. I wonder what will happen if this happens any longer. Certain people have been able to take this kind of.... shit, for years. A year or 2. I don't wanna do this any longer. I don't like it. I've been taking shit all my life. I'm saying it now. I wanna write. Travel the world. See places. Plant my red sneaker prints all over the world. Just 2 weeks ago, I almost bought myself a one way ticket to Philippines. I really almost did. But leaving my loved ones behind will be very selfish of me.

-

I got a nuisance customer today. Insisting a refund for one of the top up cards. He looked like a drug addict. If my manager wasn't there. I would have lost 28 bucks straight from my account. Thank God for little miracles.

-

I met this girl, her name is Su Er, through work. She's a very nice and pleasant girl. I met her boyfriend, too. His name is Ivan. Handsome, tall and good-looking. When I glanced at him the very first time, I literally got an electric shock through my fingers, a sensation that I have never felt before. (not bullshitting.) I have actually seen him before. I failed to tell him this.

I DREAMT OF HIM BEFORE! I never told him that though, only indirectly. I said: "Maybe we dreamt of each other before?" I hope I don't ever see him again. Su Er seemed slightly jealous. I guess it's only natural for a girl to feel that way. No offence. He too, said the same thing. A familiar face, I am. I guess it's just me but he had that certain look whenever he was talking to me and it was so fucking obvious (even though she never said a word) that Su was not liking it... at all.

-

My expenditure for one week is 6o bucks. I blew all my money away on cigarettes and junk stuff. I've got a measly $9.50. I have no idea how the hell I'm going to survive on that. My sister said: "Survive on a dollar a day." I don't know the fuck how!

-

I cannot stop thinking about Ivan. I wish I'll never see him again. He was mine in my dream. Not Su Er's.

2 Different 4U.

He traces his fingers along her neckline as she breathes lightly, her chest moving in rhythm with every breathe she took. Restless, he withdrew his hand away from her and laid down beside her, as he did before.

"What's the harm in tracing your fingers on little May? It's not like you're going to kill her.... I hope?"

A big sigh and he closes his eyes. He opens them again and looks at May. Such serenity, most likely having a lucid dream. He shuffles a bit, and looks up.

".... if only you knew, I am screwing another girl whom I'm going to marry in 2 months time..."

He kisses her forehead gently, "It's to time get up, darling, or you'll be late for work." She stirs sleepily in her sleep, dazed from the soft kiss. She turns and smiles. He got up and walked to the kitchen to make some coffee and toast. She watched him lovingly from the back.

".... if only you knew, I am screwing my colleague at work who gives me good loving more than you ever would..."

In 2 years, so much can happen. And it did. No point in stopping the inevitable.

"Get your ass out of bed for breakfast!"

She watched him head to the bathroom as her eyelids fell back over her eyes. She felt her mind drifting back away from her body and into sleep. She was halfway dozing when he returned to the room and lay over her. He nuzzled his nose against her face and kissed at her cheeks.

"I adore you."
"I love you."
"Thanks."
"Say it."
"I love you", he said with a hint of relutance.

Who Needs A Reason To Love?

My love for you will never wane.

Where Have You Gone, I Say.

It has been 2 years... almost 3 years. And I haven't heard from you.
Actually, 4 months to be exact.

You're nowhere to be found. No phone calls. No visits. No letters or emails.
Gone without a trace.

I wish I could sense you but I can't seem to sense your presence anymore.
Gone without a trace...

It'll bring me relief if I could sense your presense, just a little will do. But I can't.
Gone without a trace.

NEW HAIR-EEEE.

Just at the title says. And I've been watching WAY too many Dr. Tran videos, shizzzzzzz! :D

BEFORE.

AFTER.

On a lighter note, say hello to my new friends! (kitty paw isn't new.)



















Hey E! I miss you! I <3 you, D.

Sooooooo Caught Up.

Just like Eminem had his writers block for almost 4 years, I'm having my own fucking fair share of writers block, excellent.

So things 3 major things have happened.

1. Suicide Bombing in Jarkata.
2. Michael Jackson's Death.
3. Solar Eclipse.

I have met some very nice people from work, from all walks of life.

I met a little girl named Ivy. I adore her very much. I don't get her to see her much but I'm very smitten over her. I wish I could have her as a little sister too.

These ARE Just Words.

I'm talking to you. Yes, YOU.

I really don't need your help. In fact, I don't want help. Not anymore. I've been living with my problems ever since I was born and I've been able to cope with it just fine.

Yeah, a listening ear at times but I don't think I want it anymore. You... have your past haunting you. I want a break. I want a break. You've always loved her. For 16 months. I do believe there's that other someone whose perfect for you in everyway, that fits like a glove. And I don't think I'm that person. Don't I smoother you with love? You hate that. I tell you I love you but you can't do the same. These here are very good reason for a break.

Tiky, listen to you heart. It aches because you yearn for Natalie... still.
Care and Love ARE 2 totally different things. Don't just be with me because I'm in a very tight spot right now.

Leave me because you have to. And you need to get Natalie back. I know you still love her.
So just go. And don't make mistakes like I have.

Just go. Back to Natalie. I will be fine.

These Are Words, Just Words?

Daydreaming Solutions.

I had a vision; when I woke up today morning when the sunshine started pouring through my curtainless window.

A vision of me and you. In a car. Driving the endless road to nowhere. With songs of hope, love and peace filling our ears, space and heart. Reminding me of the times when you would take my hands and trace words of love on my palms.

I look into your eyes. I see the sea. Full of water. I feel it might choke me and drown me. But it's a sight to behold. A beautiful danger in your eyes. That won't let me die. It does not rage of anger but I feel it. Drops of water trickling down my face and on to my neck. Do you want to kill?

I reach out for you hand and cusp it to my chest. I say: "We will be together, Forever and always." Because I believe it so. I want to believe it. Into the land of eternity, we will walk.

Someone this beautiful to me cannot simply just be a figment of my imagination, can it be not?
For this to happen, I must Daydream.

Choose your path.

I am looming over like a shadow, almost non-existent.
To want to touch you but I cannot because you are the Untouchable.
I feel the need to kill, the need strangle, the need to smell... blood.

Can I knock you out dizzy and feel the blood rush to your heart?
Feeling the fear grip you, for you know your time has come?
Perhaps, to choke some sense into you?
And you suddenly panic, thinking why you didn't choose the road to Redemption.

To see the blood drip, drop by drop.
Trickling slowly from the sides of your wrists and mouth.
I would really really... love that.

And you cry, why?
"Why do you do this, my dear daughter?"

"This is to force you to change and to expose you, for what you are, Daddy. Because all you ever were and ever will be, is a Liar."

And you die, slowly with Fear in your eyes, wishing you chose the better path, the righteous path.